Texts from the 1500s

NOV / DEC 2015: BY CHARITY BISHOP

tudortobg

SIR THOMAS MORE: Something must be done about the corrupt Church. It needs reform.

ERASMUS: I agree. It is not holy enough.

MARTIN LUTHER: Yo! Check out my 95 Thesis about why the Church sucks!

HENRY VIII: HERETIC! BUFFOON! YOUR ARGUMENTS ARE INVALID BECAUSE OF YOUR FACE!

LUTHER: I’ve never known a ‘king’ to simper and whimper like a strumpet in a tantrum before!

KATHARINE OF ARAGON: HEY!

 

HENRY: More, do something about this insolent fool! Blast him with language as profane as his own!

 

MORE: … thou art a dog, sir! A contemptible dog! Though not even the dogs shall lick your blood from the cobblestones after your death, your stench be so foul!

 

LUTHER: LOL

ERASMUS: Now boys, I’m sure we can all get along.

 

LUTHER: I’ve finished more pamphlets. My thesis was just me getting warmed up! Now I’m attacking your beloved saints and sacraments!

 

POPE: HOW DARE YOU, SIR. I will excommunicate you if you do not desist forthwith!

 

LUTHER: You have no authority over me. Only God has authority over me! Thou art a bag full of wind!

 

KATHARINE: That’s it. Charles, you must do something about this at once! He is attacking the sacrament of marriage and you know how important marriage is to us—err, me.

 

CHARLES V: Why is it my problem?

 

KATHARINE: You are Holy Roman Emperor! Martin Luther is in your jurisdiction! Shut him up!

 

CHARLES: I would like to, but no one can find him.

 

HENRY: Looks like the printers can find him easily enough! He’s just published an attack against me as long as my magnificent, muscular arm! (Have you ever seen such a handsome arm as mine? Surely King Francis has not an arm as great as this!) … I am offended, sir! King Francis, are we not offended by this?

 

FRANCIS OF FRANCE: I don’t care, and your arm is as fat as your head.

 

LUTHER: I’m nearly done with my German Bible. Thank you for your excommunication papal bull, Holiness. It kept my hands warm upon a long night as it burned in my hearth!

 

POPE: THAT’S IT, SOMEONE NEEDS TO FIND AND KILL THAT LITTLE MONK.

 

MORE: I’m working on a refuting of his argument that will be longer than any other book in the history of refutations, and it will contain a great many insults too! Can’t we at least wait to kill him until after he’s read it?!?

 

ERASMUS: I think if we sit down and talk to one another, we can—

 

LUTHER: Pope is the antichrist.

 

ERASMUS: Never mind.

 

KATHARINA VON BORA: What’s this I hear about us not needing popes and stuff? I’ve been bored in this convent for years… can I just leave?

 

LUTHER: Why not? Go forth and populate the earth with heretics! Life is simply not worth living unless you’re hated by every monarch, priest, bishop, and saint in Europe.

 

KATHARINA: Sounds good. I agree. Life is too short not to have what you want. Let’s get married.

 

LUTHER: Wait, what?

 

HENRY: WHAT?

 

POPE: WHAT???

 

MORE: WHAAT??

 

WILLIAM TYNDALE: Would now be a good time to mention I’ve finished an English translation of the Bible? No? Okay. I’ll just sneak it in then.

 

HENRY : Charles, what have I told you about doing something about your German printers! They keep sneaking Luther’s tracts and now English Bibles into England! Can’t you control your armies?

 

CHARLES: I’m a bit busy right now with the Peasant’s Revolt.

 

LUTHER: Peasants should know their place. You’re the emperor, put them back in line!

 

CHARLES: I would but I just lost control of my army.

 

POPE: I noticed. They just sacked Rome! DO YOU KNOW WHERE I AM? NOT IN ROME!! DO YOU KNOW WHERE MY STUFF IS? SMASHED. I’M NOT HAPPY.

 

HENRY: Neither am I! How am I supposed to get my annulment from the Pope if he’s a prisoner of my (soon to be non) wife’s nephew?

 

KATHARINE OF ARAGON: =)

 

MORE: What annulment?!?

 

HENRY: I WANT A DIVORCE.

 

MORE: DON’T DO IT.

 

LUTHER: DON’T DO IT.

 

CHARLES: DON’T DO IT.

 

ANNE BOLEYN: DO IT.

 

ERASMUS: Can’t you just have two or three wives instead? Seems fair.

 

KATHARINE: I’m the one who gave $$ to educate the English scholars. Like they’re going to turn on me? You’re going to lose, Henry!

 

HENRY: I WON’T!! I’M KING!!

 

ANNE: Henry, don’t argue with your not-wife. You know damn well she’s smarter than you.

 

HENRY: I love you, peaches.

 

ANNE: I love you too, sweetums.

 

KATHARINE: You make me sick.

 

HENRY: I’ll dissolve the Church and create my own where I can divorce you and marry Anne! And we’ll see how you like that! I’ll show you smarter!

 

MORE:  Bad idea.

 

KATHARINE OF ARAGON: 😥

 

HENRY: =D =D =D ♥

novdec2015

 

 

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Charity Bishop would dearly love to spend all her free time mulling over, theorizing, and philosophizing on the vast spiritual / moral lessons of cinema and Victorian literature, but alas, she must make a living, so her days are spent doing editorial work. She devotes her free time to babysitting her bipolar cat, writing books, blogging, and searching for spiritual truth in all aspects of life… when she isn’t editing Femnista!

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